Knowing now...

In the few years after I came out to my parents, they often invited me over to lunch at their house on Saturdays.   This was usually a monthly event.  I got a good home cooked meal and got to some “fam cred” with my parents. They also got to see me more often and check in on me. Usually I’d be back early enough to go to the gym and go hang out with my buddies.  My dad, who was still had a parish at the time, would be busy finishing his sermon (I’d usually get  a prescreening) and my mom would be busy making enough food to feed a small invasion force even though it was only lunch for three.  It was a pretty easy afternoon.

But one Saturday was very different.  I suspected something was up as soon as I entered.  Instead of the usual buzz of activity, I was greeted with nervous silence and a palatable restlessness.  They were preoccupied with something.   The deal killer: there were pre-made sandwiches from Panera. At first I thought someone was gravely ill.

As I sat down in the living room, I asked them how they were doing and they responded in one-word answers. They were acting weird, almost conspiratorial. After a bit of awkwardness, I asked, ”What’s up guys? You seem out of it today.” They looked at each other and then my dad told me that they wanted to “give” me something. And my mother retrieved a gift-wrapped box.  (To this day, no one knows why she thought to wrap it.)

I had sinking feeling that I knew what was in the package before I started to tear the paper.   As I suspected, it was a set of audio and video tapes from an Ex-Gay ministry.  I didn’t bother to even read the pamphlet.  I saw the first title; it was something like, “Talking honestly to your child about the sin of Homosexuality”.   I cringed.  I looked at them and they hid their eyes from me and my self-anointed self-righteousness.

“How can you give this to me?” I demanded. “I thought we understood each other better!” “Why can’t you just leave things the way they are? We’re doing OK, aren’t we?”  I hurled more questions than I care to admit.  I was angry, I was hurt, I was disappointed in them.  And they knew it. 

My dad implored, “Your mom and I have watched these already and we’d like to watch them with you if…” I cut him off, “You’ve watched this already? How long have you been planning this?” I went on and on.  Finally, I got so angry I got up from the table and I shoved the gift back at them and told them I was leaving.  I can truly say they probably expected that reaction.

I got in my car and headed home, angry and hungry.  More importantly, I was right and I was sure about it.  When I got back to my apartment, I told my roommate.  And he thought I had done the right thing too.  In fact, we decided to start our usual Saturday evening cocktail hour earlier that night to get my mind off the afternoon with my parents.  We went out to our favorite bars and I probably told the story to a half dozen strangers that night.  Everyone agreed with my reaction.  After all my parents were not being supportive or caring, right?

Flash forward 15 years later.  Now I am a happily parterned gay man in a committed relationship with my best friend of 13 years.  I have an active and blessed faith life.  I have a son of my own.  Miraculously, I have a wonderful open, honest and loving relationship with my parents, who’ve never stopped supporting me and my family. I recognize each of these relationships as a treasured gift from God.  I’ve recently been reliving that afternoon over and over again in my mind.  And although I’m still glad I didn’t watch the tapes, I truly regret my reaction.  

Now I ask myself, have I ever felt compelled to share a part of my life with someone I love, knowing that the truth of it might irreparably damage my relationship with them?  Did I ever secretly try to discern something about myself without letting the people I love know?  Did I ever confront someone with news that could make them challenge everything they ever thought about me? And when that news was brought to light, did I hope that person would respond with grace? Did I ever ask someone to hold off and just listen to me?  Of course I did.  I did all of that…to them.  When I came out to them.

Their response to my news was not angry. It was not filled with self-anointed self-righteousness or demands.  It was affirming and loving and kind. I couldn’t have asked them to be more than they were.

Sometimes we are asked to love beyond our understanding.  We are called to compassion greater than our comprehension and we are moved to kindness greater than we ever dreamed possible.  Andrew Marin, in his work Love is An Orientation, calls parents to appreciate their children’s’ coming out as a “holy moment”. I couldn’t agree with Marin more on this point and I’d add that it’s holy moment for the gay daughter or son as well.

It is in these moments, we can glimpse into the nature of God.  For in those moments, we are given the opportunity to be Christ-like in our actions.   When I came out to them, my parents choose the Christ-like path.  On that Saturday afternoon, I didn’t.  I chose not to deal with my parents’ grief and pain as their son or as a Follower of Christ.  I took the path of anger, indignation and self-absorption. 

I cannot understand, appreciate or even reconcile my parents’ decision to give me that gift-wrapped box that day.  But, I don’t need to. I love them, for who they are, not who I want them to be.  That’s the lesson they’ve taught me all my life.  My recompense to them now is to love my son, their grandson, in the way they taught me.  The way Christ loves me, which surpasses understanding and human comprehension.  A love which began while I was not yet formed in my mother’s womb and will last long after this life passes from me.

To my GLBTQ brothers and sisters who are coming out, to my fellow parents who find out the truth about your kids, to all of us struggling with reconciliation, strive to be less Christian and more Christ-like in your discussions with each other. Worry less about discipline and be a disciple. Put down the books, the catchy phrases and the flag pins.  Take up each other’s pain instead. You may not always agree with each other on everything, but you will care for each as you were meant to do.  In this care, you will recognize that Christ is indeed with you in this moment.  Premade sandwiches and all.